Letter to God

Dear God,

God, I don't know if You really notice me, but I'm one of those who, for some reason or another, leave and then come back again when problems arise. I don't know how You could put up with that, but everytime I come running back, Your arms are always spread, ready to take me into Your arms. It's great to know that You're always there to pick me up and embrace me just when I need to be embraced. I feel guilty, though. I feel bad that I'm just using You as a safety net, as just a shoulder to cry on and nothing more. But, God, I'm trying my hardest to change that. That's why I want to be strong.

I want to be strong, God, for my family. I study in a university that is some hours away from home. I always feel homesick no matter how many times I've come and gone. It always feels like the first day I came into the dormitory - I think I cried myself to sleep that time. There's just this heart-wrenching feeling I can't get rid of. That's how much I love my family, God, and I really want to be strong for them. It's not that I want to stop loving them, I just want to really realize deep inside that I'm doing this for them... That I have to be separated from them for a while so we could enjoy a better life someday. I go home every weekend, God, but sometimes I think time spent with them is not enough, especially now that my mom is in another country. I just want to be with them every second of the day, God. I want to know that they're nearby, that I could embrace them anytime I could, that I could always hear their voices, see them... But, God, sometimes things have to be given up so that life could get better.

Which brings me, God, to this point: I'm not entirely confident that I can survive this semester. There's just so much pressure, God - more than I could use. I'm a laid-back person but I've been a University Scholar for three semesters. God, I don't want to give that up. You know how I've been way back then: the achiever, the one with the highest grades, the one at the top, the smartest in the class. But when I came into the university, God, I realized how small I really was. I'm so afraid of failure, God. I don't ever want to be a failure. I survived the last three semesters but... I don't want to have to put everybody down, which includes my family and my friends. I feel like so much is expected. Even though they assure me that I don't have to ace every subject, I know, I really know that they'll be really disappointed if I get a 3 or a 5.

And that's exactly why I need Your help, God. I don't know how I can finish all my requirements. I've never been much of a sociable person. I don't know why I ever took up Journalism since it involves a lot of interviews and running around. I'm not interested in politics and reading academic books. I don't know how to write a term paper properly - an essay even. I have no idea how I'm going to do this. I don't want to drop a subject, God...

I know there are other students who have heavier loads than I do. But I get the feeling that they're faring better than I am. They're probably not worrying about anything. But here I am, fretting about the coming days. I just don't know... I don't think I'm ready, God.

Maybe I have lost some of my faith in Your power. Somehow, I know that I can do this with Your help, but sometimes I forget. I often forget, and this makes me sad. Increasingly sad.

When I see my dad, I don't know how he can trust You so much. He practically gave everything He has to You. Sometimes he doesn't even have enough time for us, and I always have to convince myself that it's okay, it's alright, but most of the time I feel like hating him for it. But I love my dad so, so much. I just don't know how he could do that for You. I don't know how He could entrust our family's savings to You. I don't know how we ever get by...

So, God, I want to ask You again (I know we've had these conversations countless times but...) for Your help. Please help me do this. I really, really want to pass. I'm so afraid of making mistakes, God, even if I know that it's part of our humanity to err. Failure scares me. Saying this, I know I'm not the most faithful child You'll ever have. I'm not always good. I can't devote myself like others are doing. There are so many things I can't do, so many things I can't be. But, God, please help me to change this. Please help me to recognize that You are always in control. No matter what happens, God, You will be there. You've made that promise before, and it stayed true. Please help me to remember that failure is okay as long as I get back up, that You are a shoulder to cry on, that You are the friend who will stick with me no matter what, that Your arms are always open for the lost. Please help me to remember this, and more. But most of all, please help to know that no matter what happens, I will always be Your child and You will always be my Father.

God, please hold my hand.

Your child.

My UPCAT story

I can still remember that day when my friends and I decided to take the UPCAT. They were all excited because it would enable them to enter the premiere state university in the Philippines. I also thought the same but I actually took the test just to gauge myself. If I failed, then it's alright. If I passed, better.

However, as the weeks passed, one by one began to back out until our numbers dwindled to a mere three. I would not back down, was what I said. Even if I was to be alone in this, I didn't care. After all, I had nothing to lose.

So came the day of the UPCAT itself. I was scheduled to take the morning exam, which began at 8AM and ended at 12 in the afternoon. Imagine my horror when I woke up and saw that it was already 7:30AM! I threw down the blankets and began to speedily finish the daily routine of eating, bathing, and dressing up. I was dreading as I did these things and was praying to God.

Thankfully, I wasn't late. The exams hadn't even begun yet. I heaved a sigh, relieved.

The UPCAT was divided into four parts: English, Science, Math, and Reading Comprehension. English and Reading Comprehension were fine and pretty easy. But Science and Math! Ugh! I can assure you that I was only certain of my answers in one-thirds of both. The rest? Well, it's all up to chance.

I was the first to finish in every part of the exam. I had to wait for the time allotted for each to move on to the next. I observed my fellow UPCAT takers. Their foreheads were all furrowed, concentrating. They were really striving to enter the state university... Unlike me, who was taking it all for granted.

So the months passed. I pursued my studies and took entrance exams in two more universities: PNU and FEU. I was granted a scholarship in both. The most promising one was in PNU, though. Can you imagine a 100% scholarship and a 100 peso fee for every unit? Obviously, it was the better choice.

The thought of the UPCAT was out of my mind. I had dropped all hope of ever passing it. After all, what chance did I, a Kapampangan girl who only stood out in her class because most of them were mediocre, have of being granted an entry in the University of the Philippines where the most intelligent students go? It was an impossible dream (although I still prayed for it in secret).

Well, imagine my surprise when I found out that I passed the test and was admitted, not in UP Baguio (my second choice of college), in UP Diliman with my first choice of course: BA Journalism. I was, of course, happy. But a new problem was presenting itself.

UP Diliman was known for its student activists, hazings, and fraternities and sororities. I was not keen on enrolling because of the said reasons. How could I, a small girl, survive in such an atmosphere of temptations and vices? I saw absolutely no chance.

I had already reconciled to the fact that I was going to PNU, and I was determined, too. The future looked more promising there. However, I was not satisfied. Our relatives and family friends wanted me to go to UPD so badly. I told myself again and again that I did not go around to please others, rather I was going to go around pleasing myself. But even this mindset did not work and I was more confused than ever. Somehow, putting people down was not my style.

I finally acquiesced to enter UPD when I heard a sermon stating that God wants only what's best for us. He was giving us a million opportunities and it was our job to grab them all. That's when it all became clear to me that God gave me this chance so that His goodness and glory would be evident even as far as Diliman, Quezon City. I was to be an ambassador of God and I was more than ready to accept the mission. I no longer dreaded the thoughts of living in a dormitory with people you barely know, "monster" professors, paper works that could well comprise a three-storey building, and "worldly" organizations. I felt in my heart that God's hands were moving in all of this. I rested on the solace that everything would work out for good because the Father was acting.

And it was indeed true. All His promises hold true.

So, here I am, a freshman student in the University of the Philippines Diliman, a proud testimony of God's love and faithfulness. For without him, none of this would have happened. I would never have passed the exam without the wisdom and knowledge He most graciously imparted in me. I would never have survived that hard and (home) sickening first week. I would never be the person I am now if it was not for God.

I believe now that there are no accidents in life. Why? Because long ago, everything has been written by the Master's hand. Everything works out for God's holy purpose.

Answered prayer!

Just a while ago, I was in the bedroom praying for financial help because tomorrow is my enrollment. As soon as I finished praying, a sudden urge to view the STFAP website came to me. I followed it and found out that the bracket processing results are out. I logged in and, there it was: I am now in Bracket C!

Lovely! I calculated the enrollment fee. This time, it's only 11, 181.50 pesos compared to Bracket B's 17, 000+. All I can say is, "Thank you, LORD!".

I feel so blessed tonight.